go to counselling.

i just have this sense of "you have to want to do it in order to do it" lately. and i think i want to do it now. i've always wanted to. but... i think now is the right time. of course i say that now. i just hope that tomorrow, when i wake up, that i'll feel the same. i found some place in medford, that i think that i may have heard from someone. so... we'll see.

i feel myself gaining more self esteem lately. and i think that's partly due to weight watchers. i feel better about myself, i'm exercising, etc. it's just an all around good thing. but there are just things that i'm kinda pondering in my mind. like how to deal with people. i guess i just have a hard time when i see people doing things that are bad for them... and wanting to tell them not to do it... but then i have that... "well they're grown up... they make their own decisions even if they know that it's wrong". but it's just painful sometimes to deal with that.

and of course the whole a. and l. situation. i still think about it every day. and i really just need to put it to rest. with whatever way it is. i don't know if they put it to rest or not. i wouldn't blame them if they did. i think i'm just scared of actually "ending" anything. i don't regret anything at all... i just wish that i did it all a different way. ya know? like... whatever... i'll deal. and i think that if i go to counselling, it will help me.

plus just work and life and all that. i can't really handle everything all the time. it will be nice just to tell someone non biased, ya know? cause everyone i tell will either be on my side, cause they're my friend... or they're friends with both me and a. and l. and don't want to get in the middle of anything. i've tried so hard to keep things quiet. cause i don't think it's fair to anyone. but i don't know if people feel awkward. let's just say that i feel that some people feel as though they can't talk about a. and l. with me or mention anything about them. and i don't get bothered by it... but i don't want that to be the topic of conversation, ya know?

it's tough. but whatever.

so besides all that born again stuff... i had a decent day. highlights for me... both julie and marjan asked me if i have been losing weight because they noticed! AND they didn't tell me at the same time... it was like an hour or two apart. :) i was happy. i'm glad that people are noticing. i just wish that i noticed. when do people start noticing? i think once i'm like 30 or 40 pounds down, that people will notice. those that haven't yet, of course. :)

alrightie... that's it from me. i got a package from maria today. woo hoo. i'm expecting others from suzanne, jen and cheryl. ack... it's weird, i go in spurts. i wish i got like 2 or 3 a week... not 4 or 5... that can be a lot of slams. esp. with dawn. she's psycho slam maker. but anyway... if you don't know what slams are, don't ask. hee!