for some reason i never have something to write about even though there are a slew of thoughts that are going through my head. a slew. God, i love that word. for some reason it always seems to fit.

right now i'm sorta watching the royal tannenbaums on hbo. i figure we're paying for it, we might as well watch it, ya know? so far it's alright. i don't think that i'm in the mood for a movie, that's why i'm typing this out. plus i want to kick my american idol habit before it starts. so if i'm watching this movie, then when 830 rolls around, i'll have no desire to put on fox. right? we'll try at least.

i don't think it's going to work.

i feel better today than i did yesterday. i think anyway. i know what i have to do, now i just need to do it. first i'm going to schedule and appointment with my doctor. i haven't been in ages. ages, i tell you. since college days at least. very bad, i tell you, very bad. and from there... i'll see what to do. i'm hoping that she'll know of a place where i can go to talk to someone... some sort of counselling. something that may be covered under my health insurance. it should be part of health insurance, right? i mean, mental health is health.

so that's my plan. i need to go to the doctor anyway. i'm terribly out of shape and i'm hoping that she'll say something to me like... eat another piece of fat and you're going to die. that way i won't do it. sad way of doing things, i know. but if i know something bad is going to happen to me if i do something, then i won't do it.

so that way i'll be getting in shape, because i assume she's going to say something about my weight. and even if she doesn't, i'm out of shape anyway, and i'm sure she'll say something about that. at least. i hope. she's a doctor, right?

and then... i hope that my life gets back on track. i hope. it will. it has to. if i want it to happen, it will, right?

okay, this cold weather is driving me nuts. not only is it cold, but the wind is absolutely unbearable. mother nature is so kicking our ass this season. last winter she was very kind. maybe she was getting laid or something. i really don't know. right now it seems like she permanently has some pms. i think that's what it is. i really do. she is a single woman, right? at least that's what the weather girls sing anyway.

alrightie... so much for writers block. i think i'm going to use this diary to sort things out too. and hopefully it helps. it's helped in the past for me to write in a journal. maybe it will help now too. online and stuff.

up to date. you know.