through the little retreat that i have brought myself into this weekend, i realized that part of what is making me confused is the whole.... situation. the one that happened at the beginning of the year.

i still feel as though i can't trust my friend anymore. or at least not right now. i'm hoping that i will be able to in the future, but right now, i just can't. i can't handle it at all.

looking back on the whole situation, people can argue that it happened so long ago and don't let a guy get in the way of your friendship, etc. but i can't help but think that this wasn't really just a thing. it had some sort of planning. some sort of thought of... "oh... kristen might get upset, is it worth it?" type questioning going on. there was time for it. and i can't help but think that my friend at least questioned it. she's smart. has a head on her shoulders, etc.

and that's what hurts the most. is that she probably thought of it, and then went ahead and had sex with the guy that i liked.

which hurts. because it seems, to me anyway, that she put her desire to get laid ahead of the possibility of me being upset. and to do that??? i don't know. it just sickens me.

and i understand that sometimes good people do bad things. and i can understand that fact. it happens.

but does it have to happen right away? i don't think it's fair. i feel like there is a band aid on the whole situation right now... which, was somewhat secure until i detached my side this thursday night/friday morning.

that's just one part of the whole thing that i am thinking about. i guess i just have a lot of unanswered questions that i need to ask. but i don't feel like i'm ready to deal with it yet.

it's hard for me to stick up for myself and say what i truly feel. esp. in situations in which there are many different facets. many different ways of thinking about it.

i went to barnes & noble today and got a book about forgiveness and overcoming difficult situations. i am usually not one for self help books, but i figure that anything can help since i really don't want to ruin a friendship that could be really strong. i read about ten pages and then decided to buy it. we'll see if it helps. i figure if it doesn't help in this situation, it may help me later on in life. we can all hope, right?

lisa and i made a list of goals today. attainable goals. first we made lists for ourselves. and then we made a list for each other. i think this helped me because i haven't really seen how other perceive me. i know what i think (most of the time) but i can't get into the minds of others to see how they view me. so it helped. there were a couple of things that she brought up that i have trouble admitting.

and now i have this outlet. to get it out in black in white. or blue and blue rather.

and then i think... if this is all i'm going through... then it's not that bad.

but it is... because i feel that the biggest issue in this is trust. and you can't doubt that trust is such a powerful thing. something that you earn.

so maybe i am okay? i don't know... i guess we'll see with time.