life has been very weird for me lately. and it's not as though i like it, but... it feels more comfortable. basically, i really can't bring myself to be friends with a. i can't. i tried. i really did. but i really just don't trust her. i mean... granted.. she slept with a guy that i liked about 10 months ago... and i just found out last month. yeah... okay... maybe i am overreacting. but in my world, i always thought that you don't do stuff like that with the guys that your friend likes. you just don't. and it's very very hard for me to accept it. very hard. and okay... yes, it was only once... but they hung out before that... and a. even said on new years that she pretty much knew it was going to happen eventually. she had plenty of time to think about it. plenty of time. and i wonder if she did? and if she did... if she even cared. i really wonder. i do. because a lot of times, she seems like it's "what's in it for me". very much so. and i even was feeling that way a little... even before she told me about her and b. i just don't trust her. and how can i build on a friendship without trust? i can't. i'm sorry. i really wish that i could. but i can't. she's done it before with her college friend... and she did it with me... i can only assume that she will do it again. esp. since she really doesn't even think that it's a big deal. cause she doesn't. she really doesn't. i remember having that "make up" talk at panera... and she even said something like ... "see... i don't understand why you'd be so angry..." because you performed a breach of trust on our friendship. how do you not understand that? i don't get it. i really don't. argh. i just get so aggravated just thinking about it.

and l. i don't even know what is swimming through her mind. she's in the middle of this. i guess anyway... i have a feeling that she's leaning more towards a. only because she kept the secret and because... about 2 weeks ago or so... i pushed them both away. i just really can't even hang with them. i don't feel comfortable. i really don't. and it's scary, because we had so many good times together. not to mention our fantabulous trip to california/vegas. and my boy, kevin. my bartender. he was a huge part in it all. we had a lot of great times... but i feel now that they're all fake.

if you have the balls to sleep with the guy that i like. at least have the balls to tell me. and that stuff about ... i told b. i wouldn't tell anyone... is bull. it really is. what, does your loyalty lie with him now? is that where it's at? ugh. i don't know. think next time. just think. that's all i ask.

"i didn't want to hurt you"... oh... um... you hurt me already by sleeping with him. now that i know... it's really no different... except i'm smarter now. smarter about you as a person. and i'm stronger now. i change with every situation... and this is no different.

"i don't feel like i ever lied to you.... if you asked me if i slept with b. and i said no, then that would be lying." um... okay, you're my best friend at the time... would i have any reason to be asking that question? why would i ask that? tell me. please, i want to know... why?

i just don't get it. maybe i am overreacting. but i hold my friendships very very close to my heart. very close. and when i feel that something isn't right... i think with my heart.

and i don't benefit from this in any way. my social life is pretty much gone right now. we did everything together. and i do miss that. but i can't do something that i'm not comfortable with.

i am probably overreacting... but i just feel really uncomfortable right now. it could be much worse... but... this was bad enough to me.

a breach of trust is a breach of friendship.