some people think so. maybe i am.

i seem to never be able to distinguish when something is for real and when something is all in my head. ya know? like, as a female, i feel that i overanalyze situations. i really don't know. and there are a lot of times in which i feel that i allow people to influence my life and how i live... my beliefs and etc.

i'm feeling incoherent right now. but that *works* for me.

i don't think people get me a lot of the time. my friends and family think i do things the opposite just to be an individual, when in reality, it's just *me*. there are things i know i WON'T let people influence me with to change to *their* ways. for instance... i don't like diamonds. so i could care less about a diamond ring. yeah, yeah, yeah, i know.. there's symbolism. blah blah blah. but for real... i don't like diamonds, so why do i want a diamond ring to symbolize someone i love and the relationship we share,when i don't *love* diamonds. it's not to be different from everyone else.. that's just how i am.

sometimes i really think i need to seek counselling.. cause lately, especially, i've been in a rutt and have not known how to get myself out. and that, if you ever experienced it, is a drag. you're just miserable and you don't want to tell anyone for fear of them *knowing* so you keep it inside and hope it'll pass... maybe even convince yourself that it's going away. it doesn't really work, though. so if i were to seek a counsellor... i could get all of this out without anyone knowing. well, the counsellor would know... but no one i know would know. make sense?

but i don't know. there's just a lot of stuff within me that i don't know what to make of it. and although i am thankful for friends and family saying "you can talk to me".. i just can't. it's not against them... it's just me. i can't.

but now you (whoever you may be) are reading this and getting a brief summary of what the hell is going on in my brain. i don't know. if you care, fine, if you don't care, fine. i really don't need or want to know.... that's something you can keep to yourself.

i went out for drinks... or A drink rather, with my friend colleen last night. now, we were never ever seriously close. i mean, we hang out and we're friends and whatever, but we never really talked about serious things before. until last night.

we sat there in a booth at chili's, drank our mixed drinks, ate nachos, and then just sat there and talked. we saw people leave a table, more people come eat leave, more people come eat leave, and then the table was cleared for the night. and we just sat there and talked while the place filled, emptied, filled, and emptied.

i never realized how much alike we are internally. she surprised me with some of the things that she said, cause i didn't expect it from her. and i think she was surprised that i related. it was a really good thing. i feel like i'm not alone.

i feel like i need a sense of belonging.