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what i'm thinking about


2001-05-17
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i never know how to start entries, ya know? cause there are so many things that are going through my mind. some i want to share and others i don't. part of some that i don't... i seriously just don't want to... and others i just feel that i don't want to share them for the basic reason cause i'm worried about what people will think if they know that about me or they know i think that way or something.

and i can't stand when i get that way.

why should i care what other people think of me? i've been that way all my life. no matter how much i try to deny and figure myself as an independant woman, i still get back on that first step wanting to reach the top of self confidence.

i told michael about my dream the other night. which i should or should not have told him. he thinks i might have feelings there deep down and that i'm rejecting them. i disagree cause i couldn't picture myself touching another girl sexually, but i've been proven wrong about other things in which i feel things 'deep down'. not about sexual things, just about things. so, who knows.

i'm listening to a train bootleg that i got from bonniy. a year or so ago. it's alright... the people seem kinda rude... you can hear a bunch of background noise. it's almost as though no one is paying attention to train. which i get upset about. i get upset about anyone talking during shows, though. i mean, here and there is fine, but not all the time. it annoys me.

bonniy's 100th train show is at lupo's... and i'm all about being excited for it. i was joking with her on im about how she should be able to make up the set list... and she's like you should seriously ask. and i was like, no, no, that's lame. well... guess what i did tonight? yup, i emailed the guys and told them about my idea. who knows how they'll respond. they're generally very good with responding to fan emails, which is a plus for any band to do that for their fans. ya know? but i understand that they're busy... so that's why if they do check they're email, they'll see the "BONNIY'S 100TH SHOW" in big ol' letters, and hopefully decide to read it. i probably sounded like a lame ass, but i really don't care.

i think i really need to get a new job. i'm just so unbelievably unhappy right now. i sick of what i'm doing, i'm sick of working in a cube and behind a desk, i'm sick of certain people in my group, i'm sick of the politics in the group, i'm sick of dealing with crap.... i'm just sick of it. so maybe i should start looking outside of mellon. i don't know... i just wish you could take a break from the real world, ya know? like take a 2 month vacation, yet be able to return as though not much changed... ya know? like you do with college. but, unfortunately, that doesn't happen.

i'm just done.

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